Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
