Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
