Duck Duck Cougar?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
