he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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