So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
