why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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