He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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