I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize