I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
