I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
