Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
