My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I don't think brook has ever known best
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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