My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
