If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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