is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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