you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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