why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
