What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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