Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
where am i from again
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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