I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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