Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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