we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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