508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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