I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
