Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
