I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
