Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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