Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
