I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
