It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize