wrigley field is MILF paradise
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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