Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
