ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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