onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
