when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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