He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
