how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
