Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
