Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
