Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
