pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
