Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize