After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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