why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
