and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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