She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
