Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
