I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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