My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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