captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
