i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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