Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
