it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
