Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
