how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
