How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
